FIRST-WORLD PROBLEMS
Words Scott Bishop
What’s with the people who stand around the airport luggage carousel like seagulls waiting for a chip? Don’t they understand that if they stand back, their bags will still get to them and everyone has a bit of space? When this happens to me and if feel boxed in by the luggage crowd, I reef my gear bag from the rack, smack a few other space invaders out of the way and clear a path for a fast exit.
What about the dude with the ping-pong bats who directs the plane the last 10 metres into the bay? Do you think the pilots just laugh at that guy as they’ve just flown some huge chunk of metal halfway around the globe but they can’t park the steel bird without ping-pong-bat man? If he wasn’t there, who knows where they might park it?
How many times do you need to be told by the in-flight crew to sit back, relax and enjoy the flight? Once would be enough for me but after the half-dozen times you get told on modern flights, the last thing I want to do is sit back, relax and enjoy my flight. I want to snap-kick the messenger to the forehead and land several blows to the mid-section — and they wouldn’t find that relaxing, either.
Why do mobile phones drop out with no explanation? Do phone companies deliberately cut the call off just so you have to call back and rack up a few more calls just so they can make money? Have you ever kept talking without realising the phone has gone dead and you’ve just wasted the last 10 minutes solving the problems of the world only to find out no one was listening on the other end?
Why do shops now make you buy a packet of chips for $2 but they are on special, 63 for $5. They do the same with soft drinks, chewing gum and any other product they want to overload you with. It’s a deal almost too good to refuse but you just know there’s no way you have any chance of pounding the 37 litres of Coca-Cola you just purchased on a big bulk special. And why are you trying to upsell me something when there’s a 50-deep queue just wanting to pay for their $10 of unleaded?
What about the people who do about 17 transactions at the post office and cause a queue that goes out the door and down the mall? Why do I only need 15 seconds’ worth of service to get my business done yet these other clowns take forever as though they are signing a KGB contract? Just what are these people buying in there? Just buy a damn stamp and beat it.
Why do TV people thank me or welcome me back after a commercial break? I didn’t go anywhere, you freaks, I just sat on my couch, patted my pooch and watched the world go by via the idiot box. You went away, I should be welcoming you back. If I changed channel, then by all means, welcome me back but not when you go on an ad break because it’s not me that’s going anywhere.
How come I now have more free-to-air TV channels, 247 Foxtel programs, sports and documentary channels and movies on demand but there’s still nothing good on TV apart from Married With Children repeats? And why is there no sport on in November apart from nag races? Does every sporting organisation shut down in the month of November so the horses can take centre stage? And you tell me fashion on the field is a sporting event?
Do the people who win Australia’s Got Talent and X Factor really think they have talent or X-factors? Do the female Channel 10 newsreaders look like they’re dressed and ready to hit the clubs as soon as the bulletin’s over? Why do weathermen feel the need to stand in the rain to show us it’s raining?
Why is there no development technology going on with triangle stands for bikes? Do they think they’ve reached the pinnacle of technology in the triangle bike-stand field or are they just lacking in inspiration? Maybe it’s just metal nirvana in the triangle bike-stand world.
If you put VP Roo 100 in your pressure washer, will it clean your bike faster? Why has no one invented an automatic pop-up awning setup for race trucks? Who thought putting rubber feet on a pit tent would be strong enough to secure it to the ground when the wind gets to about three knots? I have five sets of feet left but only one tent as the feet get ripped off and stay pegged in the ground while the tent self-destructs in anything stronger than No2 on your ceiling fan.
Are transponders and timing the worst inventions in racing as everyone analyses their lap times like it’s a Bible script? Why has no one updated the drop-back starting gate? Is it me or is it always hard to race against a rider with two first names? Does every rider in a full field get a bad start — just that the rider with the holeshot didn’t get as bad a start as the other dudes? Does a new sticker kit count as a performance mod on your bike and is there such a thing as too many stickers?
