1
Are you hungover? Be honest now.
We’re talking to you trailriders in particular. We know exactly what goes on at a campsite the night before a ride. A few quiet brews turn into a “Hey it’s 3am we should probably call it a night,” scenario. And then when those dusty heads climb out the tent at sun-up, the reality of steering a bike through the bush for hours hits home and you spend a lot of the day perfecting the helmet-lift-vomit technique.
2
Did you listen to your mate who told you that all pro riders “Screw the clickers all the way in and that’s how they go fast.” Does your bike feel like it’s made of cement now? Can you feel every single pebble and grasshopper that you ride over, sending violent jolts of fury up through your arms, shoulders, jaw and skull?
Maybe consider letting your suspension go up and down.
3
Have you cleaned your airfilter. Ever?
Are you complaining that your bike used to be awesome but now it’s piss weak and you reckon it’s getting slower and why do they build bikes like this anyway? Are they doing an Apple and slowing your bike down after 12 months?
No. You haven’t cleaned your airfilter for two years dummy.
4
So you consider the height of fitness to be your ability to dust off a meat lovers pizza, garlic bread and Coke, and then follow it with a churros and chocolate sundae, without breaking a sweat. And you assume that the food coma that you’ve just put yourself in will be broken in the morning by a Red Bull and you’ll be right to go?
If you’re an aspiring racer, this all suggests you are not taking bike-fitness all that seriously. The night before a race meeting should not involve the consumption of pizza, Burger Rings and a few UDLs.
5
Are you riding an Aprilia 550?
Let it go. Looks good, sounds good. Runs…not so good.
6
Do you spend a lot of time telling anyone trapped standing still long enough about how fast you are?
This almost always means you can’t ride for shit.
When your ego and your mouth are faster than you actually are, you are not only the biggest pain in the arse, but everyone on the ride will take great joy every time you munt yourself.
There’s always someone faster you – just try and have fun hey?
7
Do you park the bike when it’s too hot or too cold? Or when the relative humidity is too high, or the wind direction is a little off, or the radar shows rain 300kms away?
If you need the planets to align to produce the perfect day to ride, then you probably just don’t want to ride.
8
Did you buy a pro rider’s ex-race bike?
Are you finding that it’s so terrifying to ride that you don’t even like starting it in the shed because it sends shivers of fear down your spine?
Did you talk it-up so much to your mates that you’d rather make excuses as to why you can’t ride that day than admit it is too much bike to even consider cutting a 30 minute moto on?
Mount it on the wall. Go buy a stocker.
9
Did you just slip in to a mid-life crisis and decide to buy your first dirtbike? Hey, welcome to the community! But did you walk into a dealer and ask for the fastest motocross bike they had because why not start at the top right? Did they then put a pipe on it, which looked shiny, and fit race cams which sounded important and then change the mapping to ‘My name is Dean Ferris’ which you liked because he sounds like a good bloke?
You just bought the motorcycling equivalent of Slayer. You need to take the bike back immediately and ask for a stock DR-Z250 – the motorcycling equivalent of Coldplay. This advice may save your life.
10
Are you riding a super expensive tech-laden electric bike and find that you have to turn back after riding for just 15 minutes so you can make it back to the car? Or after cutting 4 laps you need to charge the battery for 9 hours?
It won’t go the distance if it don’t have the pistons. Your time will come but it ain’t here yet.
